You’re On The List…Platinum Dunes

2 10 2009

Platinum Dunes

That’s right: this is an entry dedicated to an entire production company, so buckle up.

Earlier this week, the trailer for A Nightmare on Elm Street premiered. For those that don’t know, this is a remake of the Wes Craven classic starring the incredibly talented Jackie Earle Haley (who will be spared in this thrashing). Not one minute into the four minute trailer did a title card appear, reading “From Producer Michael Bay.” For those that do not know, whenever this title card is present in the trailer for a horror film, this means that Platinum Dunes is behind it. These films include The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, The Hitcher and Friday the 13th. If you haven’t already noticed the pattern, these are all remakes of classic horror films from the 1970s and 1980s. To put it gently, the four films average a score of 26% on Rotten Tomatoes. To put it bluntly, they are all God-awful.

Now, we can’t put a film studio on the list simply for making unoriginal, bad remakes – although their original films, such as The Unborn and Horsemen, were torn apart as well. The real sin that the company is doing is remaking the Hitchcock classic, The Birds. Though his last film was made in 1976, Hitchcock’s work has been all but left alone by modern Hollywood. The only remake made was Gus Van Sant’s Psycho, but that was literally a shot-for-shot remake that critics deemed more pointless than bad. Knowing the studios history, The Birds will not receive the same kind of respect. Instead, it is more likely that some sub-plot will be created about mad avian disease and Tippi Hedren’s Melanie Daniels will go from socialite to FBI investigator.

Though the film has been put on the back burner for now, the company’s official website still lists it as coming soon. Should plans to remake the film fall through, we would be happy to rescind comments made here. But until then…Platinum Dunes, you are on the list.

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